Knife fights are usually carried out with knives,[1] which is illustrated by the common expression ‘never bring a gun to a knife fight’. But let us take a step back from weapons and turn our attention to something a little less “edgy”: the Adélie penguin.
These penguins are particularly unique as they have evolved to be able to defecate effortlessly over a long distance. This prevents them from leaving their eggs unattended and contaminating their own nest. During this procedure, the penguin stands up, walks to the edge of the nest, turns around, lifts its tail, and defecates, leaving a 40 ± 12 cm long trail of semi-liquid, whitish to pinkish (depending on their diet) faeces.[2]
To explore the superiority of penguins over knives in a knife fight, it is important to first understand the circumstances that would lead to such an event. Possible scenarios, as they have occurred throughout history, include defending one’s honor, for example in gang rivalries, proving one’s social status, or settling general disputes.[3]
Unlike the previously mentioned traditional knife fights, this ‘Adélie’ version does not settle disputes with death. Instead, someone is deprived of all honor by being shat on by a penguin from a 40 ± 12 cm long distance. As penguins lack precision in defecation, there is no need for accurate aiming, unlike with a knife, making them a more straightforward tool. To fully utilize the potential of the penguin, it should be held upwards at a 45° angle (as demonstrated by V. B. Meyer-Rochow & J. Gal, 2003). This allows for the longest projectile defecation range.[4]
One significant benefit is the ability to “tune” the viscosity, colour and odour of their faeces through their diet.[5] This could also influence the shooting range of the penguin. However, no studies have yet been carried out on the optimization of the defecation area. Another advantage of the penguin tactic is that it allows for a more personal attack, as the opponent is subjected to a greater deal of humiliation. Furthermore, the opponent can be taken by surprise, which should not be underestimated.
However, there are a number of drawbacks to this novel approach. For instance, the effectiveness of the knife is not affected by the wind conditions present, but it does have an impact on the flight path of penguin faeces. To ensure the usability of a penguin, it is also necessary to provide sufficient food. This requirement incurs a significant additional cost compared to the acquisition costs of a knife. In addition, it is illegal to keep a penguin as a pet in Austria. However, it could be argued that individuals engaged in a knife fight are unlikely to abide by the law. [6] [7] Furthermore, the legal situation could also be used to intimidate the opponent, as the presence of the penguin demonstrates a lack of fear in breaking the law. Another drawback is that one must also raise the penguin initially and unlike a knife, it is mortal.[8]
According to V. B. Meyer-Rochow & J. Gal (2003), it is suggested that other bird species may be capable of achieving even greater distances. Penguins are unable to surpass 40 ± 12 cm, due to their upright posture and the position of their vent, unlike eagles and other birds of prey, where the vent is directed upwards at around 15-30 degrees. Eagles could have an advantage due to their intimidating appearance and potential for aerial attacks. However, it is important to note that this is purely theoretical and not a proven fact. In Conclusion, raising a penguin and breaking the law solely to intimidate someone in a dispute can have an additional humiliating effect on the person being shat on. However, further research is required to optimize this novel approach, taking into account parameters such as diet and weather conditions. Moreover, it is still unclear whether the penguin can perform on command during this stressful situation.
[1] Gallant, T. W. (2000). Honor, Masculinity, and Ritual Knife Fighting in Nineteenth-Century Greece. The American Historical Review. https://doi.org/10.1086/ahr/105.2.359
[2] Meyer-Rochow, V. B. \& Gál, J. (2003). Pressures produced when penguins pooh?calculations on avian defaecation. Polar Biology, 27(1), 56–58. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00300-003-0563-3
[3] Wikipedia contributors. (2023b, November 25). Knife fight. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knife\_fight
[4] Meyer-Rochow, V. B. \& Gál, J. (2003). Pressures produced when penguins pooh?calculations on avian defecation. Polar Biology, 27(1), 56–58. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00300-003-0563-3
[5] Ainley, D. G. \& DeMaster, D. P. (1980). Survival and Mortality in a Population of Adelie Penguins. Ecology, 61(3), 522–530. https://doi.org/10.2307/1937418
[6] Verbot der Haltung bestimmter Tierarten. (o.D.). oesterreich.gv.at – Österreichs Digitales Amt. https://www.oesterreich.gv.at/themen/reisen\_und\_freizeit/haustiere/Seite.742020.html
[7] assumption of the author
[8] Ainley, D. G. \& DeMaster, D. P. (1980). Survival and Mortality in a Population of Adelie Penguins. Ecology, 61(3), 522–530. https://doi.org/10.2307/1937418
